A Letter to My Creepy Mailman

Dear “Creepo”

I need you to know that you have officially passed the line of overly friendly mailman to official creep that I avoid at all costs.  When I am mowing the lawn (which I actually love to do) don’t approach me to talk about whatever it is you think is important enough to force me to turn off the mower twice so I can hear you.  Since I actually enjoy mowing the lawn this is comparable to trying to strike up a conversation with someone who is in the middle of a workout.  After all I am sweating my ass off and focusing on my straight lines in the lawn.

Your talking and talking is obnoxious.  Some people are talkers.  I am one myself.  So for me to say your talking is excessive is saying a lot.  You have done kind things, like taking the extra garbage can from the unoccupied house down the street and moving it to mine so I had two receptacles, without me ever asking.  Although I doubt that is legal because technically we pay for each can.

But Bernie when you wrote this on the back of a birthday card that was mailed to me, you crossed the line. You WROTE on my mail (which unless an urban legend I swore that is illegal), I repeat, YOU WROTE on my mail.  What you wrote is the most disturbing.

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You LOVE my HAT? What the fuck is that?  Because the last time I checked I have NEVER seen you when I was wearing any of my hats.

Keep your pen off my mail.

I shot a compound bow, and I am pretty sure I am going to take up archery

ImageSo for awhile now I have had it in my head that I want to shoot a bow and arrow.  Dream fulfilled yesterday.  I march into our local bait and tackle shop with my friend who is awesome enough to let me use his compound bow.  Mind you he is 6 3′ and I am 5 6′ I am wearing a dress because it is freaking hot and I don’t really know what you wear to shoot a bow and arrow aside from camouflage, and my closet was fresh out of that kind of clothing.

So I waltz in like a giddy kid and these people just look at me like “this could be a huge disaster.”  I started to wonder if it could be a huge disaster.  I asked a lot of questions to my friend about if this was a “closed” range, because I am highly uncoordinated, and do not even allow myself to play darts at the bar because my aim could maim or blind someone across the room.  Yes it is that bad.  Terrifying in fact.  So in the “tunnel” which I am happy to say was inclosed completely, they have fluorescent lights on the ceiling.  I have visions of me blowing out these lightbulbs creating a scene.

I also realize you don’t just pay for the “tunnel” but you pay for the arrows, the tips all that stuff.  I mean sheesh I could fashion a bow and arrow myself for cheaper than that. Like I said I am crafty.  As we are looking through the aisles they have deer urine (disgusting) and the most disturbing hollow point tips that frankly are terrifying.  They explode in their target and look very scary.  I am way over my head here.

Did I mention that he got this compound bow when he was 12?  We are now 30.  So there I am so excited to “do this.” I go to pull back the string and I can’t even freaking do it.  It is made for a 12 year old!  Huge fail.  So each time I go to shoot he has to help me pull it back.  I’m like” jesus christ how many pounds is this to pull back?” I jokingly said it’s probably like 30 lbs.  He looks and says it’s actually 31.  Mortified.  My kid weighs 42lbs and I can carry him in one arm.  It was actually 50 but I obviously need to get some serious fitness on.  Anyways he would help me pull it back and I got to shoot it and not going to lie I am pretty damn good! I kept it on the paper target except for once, and now I am obsessed.  I only shot about 15 arrows before my arm was starting to shake just from holding the bow up.  Made for a 12-year-old my ass.  I want to go everyday.

I highly encourage people to try this out.  If hunting is your thing that is fine, but I most certainly have no intentions of ever aiming at anything live.   I want to continue to target shoot, and need to get a compound bow that I can actually handle myself.  Without getting manhandled, which I can’t say I actually minded 🙂

Off to do some bicep curls.  Have a great night everyone.